Posts in Training Little Ones
Be Kind to One Another

 

Dear Kendra, I have been wanting to contact you for a while, and I am sure you will be very busy to reply with your new little one coming so soon. Actually, I am due about a week after you, so I do understand if you can't reply. However, the reason I have been wanting to contact you is I wanted to ask you if you have experienced your children being less than pleasant with each other, and I don't mean verbally or physically mean but just snappy or impatient with each other, and if you have how have you worked on the problem? I have usually very kind and happy children- they are 11 1/2, 10, 6, and 3. As you will know how horribly uncomfortable you feel in the last few weeks of pregnancy, I just haven't had the energy, patience or the ability to jump on their behaviour, which is then getting me down because it is not how I want my children to be with each other, although I do try but somedays it just seems to go right over their heads and nothing I say is sinking in, even when I ask them, "What do you think Jesus would be thinking of this behaviour?" I do think it is because I have not been consistant with them in working out a way to deal with it at the time, due to tiredness and just plain frustration. Bless you and your family, I will be praying for you for the safe delivery of your wee babe, and will be checking in on your site for a photo when he arrives. Kind regards and God Bless, Angela Dear Angela- The short answer is, "Yes". As I got to thinking about what the long answer might be, I realized that at its root, the unkindness we see exhibited in our children is simply sin. After more than 15 years of parenting, I don't know why I am still surprised when my children's sin manifests itself in the myriad of ways that it does. I do know that I need to dish out heaps more sympathy than I do, because after almost 38 years of dealing with my own sin, I still get weary of battling my flesh every day. So, when I can see their impatience with one another, their snippy words, their unkind put-downs, I have to deal with the root of everything. When I don't know what to do or say, my husband reminds me to always rely on Scripture. He reminds me of verses like Hebrews 4:12-- "For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." God's Word will not return void, and it will convict their hearts. Isaiah 55:11-- "So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it." We begin and end with Scripture. In the middle, however, we do some practical things to correct and admonish, always attempting to remember the sin that lies underneath the behavior. And prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. One of our common Circle Time questions is, "What are you working on?", to which each of us shares a struggle we are having and then we pray for each other. A little over a year ago I answered another reader's question on the same topic. I'll take the newborn baby excuse to simply cut and paste here, because I don't think my answers on practical application have really changed. I will, however, tell you that we are still working on these things in our home. Little by little, precept upon precept we are plugging away. From the post entitled, "How Do You Get Them All to Get Along?": "Recently Lisa (my best friend) and I were discussing the unkind words our children exchange with one another. She told me she’s been addressing the offending parties with the following question, “Were you being as kind as possible?” That tends to get to the heart of everything, and I find that the answer is usually, “No”, from all parties involved. From there we can move on to addressing other attitudes and wrong actions, and then set to work apologizing and working to solve the problem, like perhaps making all guilty parties work at cleaning up the mess together (or whatever the issue was). But we are also extremely proactive, or at least we try to be. From the day each baby is born, we tell the children that they are best friends. We watch for outside relationships that might take a child’s heart away from his siblings, and we even put the kibosh on friendships that have developed that take precedence over sibling relationships. If they are being kinder to a friend than to a sibling, we take a serious hiatus from the friendship. We also do a lot together. School, reading aloud, projects, family movie night… Our desire is that our home be a place that is so exciting, so fun, and so attractive to our children that they won’t be looking around for someplace else to be those things to them. Or worse, looking around for friends to validate and love them because they have ample validation, love, and acceptance from their parents and siblings. And we do observe a daily quiet hour in which no one is allowed to be near anyone else. We all take a book or two and find a couch, bed, hammock, or floor where no one else is. At the end of the time alone, we are usually refreshed and ready to enter into life together again. I have asked adults I know who have healthy, dynamic relationships with their siblings and parents what their years growing up were like. Were they always best friends? Did they squabble a lot? What did their parents do to foster a close bond between them all? Many have answered that no, they weren’t always as close as they are now, yes they did argue, and yes, their parents regularly communicated that they were going to be best friends. Their parents also put family above their own friendships and worked hard to make their family circle very close. Sometimes when I feel I am growing weary of refereeing squabbles, I try to envision our lives in 10 to 20 years. I like to see a barn filled with our adult kids, their spouses, their children, and close friends. Thanksgivings, Christmases, and summer bashes have the potential of being riotously fun, but those things don’t just happen on their own. Left to our selfishness, we would be a family marked by strife, irritation, and solitude. By the grace of God, we are working diligently on our personal areas of sin and on not allowing those sins to consume us or our friendships with each other. And our greatest goal is that our family brings glory to God!"
Read More
Beginning a Classical Education
Bear with me; this is an extra long post... Misty recently wrote in the comments: I am so encouraged by your blog. We are actually due with our 3rd little girl on May 14th. I am preparing to plan for homeschool preschool. My hubby bought Teaching the Trivium for me today because we want to do classical education. I know the overall thought is to not push education too early, but my 4 yr old is so excited about doing “school” this next year. Do you have any suggestions? What would a typical day look like for your 4 yr old? What and how did you teach your children to read? What phonics program do you use? These are such good questions. Misty, I was once in your shoes. Really! I know it probably seems hard to imagine, but eleven years ago I, too, had a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a newborn (but mine were three boys!) I had never intended to homeschool. Ironic, isn’t it? My best friend was going to homeschool, so I bought her homeschooling magazines I found at the Christian bookstore, handed them to her and said with a snicker, “Have fun!” But the Lord, in His wisdom, whispered in my ear, “Don’t close that door”. My husband and I looked at our four-year-old who lacked self control and realized that we had too much work to do in that little life to release him to a classroom yet. So I said, “What do you think about the idea of homeschooling for preschool?” To my surprise, he immediately said, “I think it’s a good idea”. We set forth with a reading book and some simple preschool things (none of which we use now, so I won’t even mention them), and lo and behold by the time May rolled around, the boy was reading. This posed a huge dilemma: Whatever would a boy with no self control who already knew how to read DO in a kindergarten classroom? There was no question—we were going to homeschool kindergarten, too. Round about this time, a friend of ours was a principal of a local Lutheran school. We were sharing dinner together one night with him and his family when he said, “I’ve been looking into classical education. Ever heard of it?” And thus began our journey. Shortly after our dive into classical education, Harvey and Laurie Bluedorn (authors of Teaching the Trivium) came to town and gave an evening workshop on Christian classical education. One of the aspects of education they proposed was, “Better late than early”. That’s not a direct quote, but it is definitely their approach to the grammar years. You can read their article "Ten Things to do Before Age Ten" to get a grasp of what they purport. We were shocked. Delay math? Why? My husband has his doctorate (he’s a dentist) and I have a bachelor’s—we’re both educated and the idea of delaying math seemed anti-education to us. But who were we to argue? Harvey and Laurie are no academic slouches, and they had graduated five students in their home. Experience is often the best teacher. After seeing our own students grasp the basics of math without any problem, we realized that the best approach would be to ground them solidly in the non-abstract facts of math: money recognition and denomination, basic measurement using common household items they would encounter daily (rulers, measuring cups, etc.), addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. And until they had a solid understanding of these things, we wouldn’t move on to higher, abstract math. Interestingly, we now believe in this approach. We believe in it so strongly that we are ditching math altogether for our first grader who has been crying everyday over her inability to grasp mathematical concepts. I know it probably seems obvious—she’s six. Let it go. But were she in a classroom setting where one size fits all, she would already, at the ripe old age of six, be labeled “bad” at math. I know because that was me. It was a stigma I carried all the way into college where I sat in the math lab day after day convinced I just couldn’t do higher math. Pish posh! But you didn’t ask about math, did you? And I am taking a really long route to answering your questions because I am hoping to give you the hindsight that is impossible to obtain until you have, well, hindsight. Here’s the thing: at four years old, what you want to begin to give your child is a love of learning. William Butler Yeats said, “Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” So the question should be, How do I light a fire for my firstborn and first student? My four-year-old’s day mimics everyone else’s, because she is the sixth child. Every one of our children beyond the firstborn already had a “fire” lit because they wanted to do what the bigger kids were doing. They wanted to “do school”. So she does Circle Time right along with us, although I’m certain she retains not a lot. She does chores, she pulls out puzzles, she counts carrot sticks to put on each lunch plate. She “reads” books during her quiet hour, she listens to our read-alouds, she participates in P.E. She studies nature, she watches the educational videos we watch, and she falls into bed exhausted every night. Her fire is just beginning to burn, and I’m not about to put it out by sitting her down with a workbook and a phonics program unless I know she’ll enjoy it immensely. That may sound like we don’t expect any guided learning to occur, but that’s not the case. In kindergarten we begin to learn phonics sounds, but we go about it in a leisurely, un-pressured way. We learn to write our letters, spell our name, and count and sort. It is just the beginning. On the other end of the spectrum, we have a 15-year-old who has read more great literature than my husband and I combined (and we’re both serious readers), is poised to finish his high school work a year early, has three years of Latin under his belt, writes novels in his spare time, plays on a competitive water polo team, and just last week earned six college coursework units. Beginning slowly doesn’t mean finishing slowly. I am happy to tell you which phonics program we use (TATRAS), which kindergarten workbooks (Rod and Staff), and other favorites (Art With a Purpose, Veritas Press). But the bottom line is, if I could give you any tiny bit of wisdom I might possess in this arena, it would be: concentrate on what matters most. Ground your little one in the Word of God. Help her to become a godly young girl. Light a fire in all aspects of learning. And go slowly. Before you know it, she will be 15. I promise.
Read More
Keeping the Young Ones Close, Part Three
Well hello Kendra, As you can tell, I have not been spending a tremendous amount of time on the computer these past days...all for a very good reason! But I wanted to write and say thank you for your quick response to my SOS. I really, really appreciated it. I also wanted to let you know that things are improving around here, and that Tomato Staking really does work... even with "twins." I have had to be a little adaptive in order to keep them both with me all the time, but I'm figuring it out. I think the most eye-opening thing for me as I have practiced keeping them nearby is just how much rebellious behavior is overlooked when you banish your children to "time out" or their cribs/bedrooms. When your solution to bad behavior is "you will now sit right here with me", it's kind of hard to ignore the raging and screaming. And much to my amazement, two-year-olds are capable of turning off the screaming... eventually... if I will outlast them (last week we missed Sunday School completely, as we outlasted Jillian through a huge raging tantrum right before we loaded into the car... it was a great investment). AND, when I have won a few of these battles, the other areas of disobedience are also improving. Jonathan is starting to come when I call him (this is miraculous). Jillian has stopped climbing the stairs in the relentless pursuit of toothpaste and lipstick. I've also starting having short periods of "mat time"... originally for discipline purposes where I had them sit on their Montessori mats until they stayed without screaming. Then, I allowed them to choose one book and stay on their mat. These last few days, I've been calling for "mat time" and they take out their mats and sit with a toy for about 5 minutes, and then I give them a new toy, and so on, for about 15 minutes. THIS is very hopeful, as I can see some light at the end of the tunnel for our schooling now. I've also moved a rocking chair into our school room and have been practicing reading aloud to everyone, allowing J & J to play quietly, but NOT help themselves to the art supplies, or climb anything, or go outside, or leave the room, or rip the book from my hands, or be violent, or scream and cry... you get the idea. The first day, I had to stop reading our short book no less than 10 times for discipline... but its improving. I've actually had to totally rethink the way I do my entire day. I took to heart what you said about meals, and we have gone really simple. I am using my crock pot almost every day, and I prep while the kids have breakfast and J &J are strapped in their seats. I tasked Abraham and Amelia to do more kitchen chores, training them to do it well, and that frees me up to take J &J upstairs with me to start laundry, make beds, put away folded clothes, etc., all of which they can participate with. Amelia scrubs the kitchen table and sweeps underneath, and Abraham loads the dishwasher. Its been working great. In the evening, Amelia sets the table, and I put J &J back in the highchairs for about 15-20 minutes of table play time while I open the bag of salad, or whatever other final quick dinners preps need to be done. They hate it, but that is OK... I think eventually they'll learn not to throw all their crayons on the floor. They'd prefer to be climbing the stairs and playing in the toilet... dinner prep has been their favorite time of day! Anyway, sorry for the long play-by-play. But things are improving, and I just wanted you to know. I CANNOT emphasize enough the value of taking some time to think and make a plan. You are so right. I would tell any mom who is losing her mind that if there is anyway that she could take a day to think, plan, make a schedule, consider doing things in a different way, seek some input, and PRAY, wow, that would be time well spent. I'll keep you posted on how things go from here. I so appreciate you and all you have offered to me and so many others through P&P. Thanks again, Shawna
Read More
Keeping the Young Ones Close, Part Two
Hi Shawna- Gosh, I like you :) Your honesty is refreshing, and you seem very balanced and healthy. Yes, this is very, very hard. Wouldn’t it be easier to put them in preschool and let someone else deal with it? Yes. That’s why so many moms do it. Let’s be honest- preschool isn’t about getting an education. This has been a crazy week, and so I need to answer you systematically tonight or my brain can’t process anything. So here goes: First of all, the situation you have with Jilly and Jonathan is something that happens to me with every child. It’s like I’ve not been paying attention and suddenly the light bulb goes on and I think, “Hey! He’s not obeying me!” And then boot camp begins. Boot camp can last as long as a month (!) and as short as a day. Depends on the child and what exactly we’re working on. For yours, I would let up only when I see some lasting improvement in basic obedience. Then expect relapses. I think what most people don’t realize is how looooonnnngggg this process of discipling is. Precept upon precept, day by day, week by week, year by year. The good news is that while the days are long, the years fly by. This too shall pass. How many more clichés do you think I can pack in that paragraph? My older kids have a lot more freedom. We learned something very valuable from Growing Kids God’s Way: the idea of the inverted funnel. When children are very young, their measure of privilege is very narrow- the neck of the funnel. As they grow older, more faithful, more responsible, the measure of privilege broadens, like the widening part of a funnel. That is why the older two are finally playing a team sport and can have some freedom in friendships. But the younger ones have differing privileges based upon what we’re observing or what they’re working on in their lives. The six-year-old is not in any classes except our tennis class we all take together. She also is super, super social and tends to cling to other women and older girls and so I guard that very closely. I don’t want anyone else capturing her heart but her daddy and me. So until I know she is completely faithful to me, she stays with me at church and I pour extra physical affection on her so that she’s not looking for approval from outside our family. As for your kitchen... That’s tough... But if I were you, I would do everything I could to prep meals when the little ones are napping or otherwise occupied. You just don’t have the space. So here’s what I’m thinking- how would this work? During breakfast prep, they must sit on chairs where you can see them. To give them victory quickly, plan to make breakfast either super simple (cereal) or pre-done (muffins) until you see that you can trust them to stay put. During lunch prep, plan some meals for a few weeks that can involve them all, like peanut butter spread on celery (Abraham can do this), grapes (Amelia can wash them), crackers and cheese (J and J can dump the crackers in a bowl while you slice cheese- or buy it pre-sliced just for this!). And dinner... I would have something going in the crockpot and a simple salad and store bought bread or a meal you can entirely prep while they are napping. While I believe “It’s a stage- they’ll grow out of it” is a terrible cop-out, I also think there are seasons in which we can take an easier route in some areas, as long as training is still occurring and we’re not ignoring the problem altogether. Remember the section on pausing in my talk? I firmly believe that when we are parenting and training at this level, we moms need rest. So don’t feel guilty if during boot camp you need to park them in front of a video. 30 minutes of something good while you fold laundry, or pick up your computer and check email, or read through the Psalms, or sip iced coffee (or chai ;D) in the same room as the video watchers might be what gets you through to the next thing. I’ll keep walking alongside you in this! ~Kendra
Read More
Keeping the Young Ones Close, Part One
I touched briefly in a recent post on keeping little ones (big ones, too, when they need it) close by. Seems to be a subject at the forefront for me and other friends lately. After discussing this at length with Shawna, she sent me the following email: So I have been eating up the Godly tomatoes stuff, so to speak. I would SO love to just have a consult with you, or with someone who is experienced here! Its funny how when you are given a lot of information, God shows you what He wants you to hear. That is how the Retreat was for me. I heard "Pray", and "look at your discipline... it's lacking!" So I've been observing Jilly and Jonathan these past few days, and wow, they totally do not obey me. I think the 2s kind of snuck up on me with these two. Discipline went fairly smoothly with Abraham and Amelia, and I have to say, they are pretty well trained. But I think when I only had one or two, I naturally trained more and kept them close because I simply had more time. Now, I find myself way too often just disciplining the behavior that is absolutely intolerable, and then quickly turning my back to resume whatever urgent task I have to accomplish. And Kendra, their behavior has suddenly just turned so awful!! They can now open every door in the house... even if its dead-bolted. They can open every gate in the yard. They can circumvent the stair gate and go between the banister. Everytime I turn around, they are finding a pen and drawing on the wall, scooping water from the toilet, eating my lipstick or pumping out lotion, taking food out of the pantry and opening packages and helping themselves... they scale the cabinets in the school room and help themselves to paint. And whenever their will is thwarted in any way, they scream and cry and carry on. They do not come when I call. They do not stay where I put them. I am losing my mind. And they TOTALLY understand what is and is not OK... as is proven when I come around the corner and discover them...lets say pumping lotion and eating lipstick... and they scatter in opposite directions! Do we need bootcamp, or what?? I've never had a problem being my children's authority, and letting my yes be yes and no be no. But having the two at once has really throw me off my game. I need a new strategy! So, I'm trying to figure out how its all going to flesh out here. What it really is going to look like. I wish I could see it in action. I have practiced a little with making everyone sit in one place, and its a lot of disciplining... but they did it. And now when I tell them "Sit!" they do... although with crying. And Jillian is so willful. One question I have is, how long does "boot camp" usually last? When do you know it is over? And really, how do you keep your toddlers with you ALWAYS? Do you ever let you bigger kids just go play? And with what parameters? Do you unplug the phone?? The kitchen is the area where I see this being the most challenging. The rest of the house, and with my other chores, no problem. And, I really look forward to having them with us in the school room, and teaching them to be included but with proper behavior. The kitchen, however, that's hard. I already don't like being in the kitchen myself. (Pre kids, I used to love to cook...) Cooking and cleaning up is my least favorite chore, which is too bad because I am in the kitchen so much. My kitchen, as you know, is small and we have a separated floor plan. When I am in the kitchen, I pretty much can't see them in the rest of the house. And when I'm in the kitchen is when they do their best work destroying the house! So anyway, I'm trying to figure out how I can have them in there with me, without losing my mind. What will they be doing? How long can I expect them to do it? Anyway, if you have time, I'd sure appreciate any feedback you can offer. What would you do in my house, with my situation? Again, Abraham and Amelia do quite well. They just need consistent training and input to maintain their good behavior. So many people would tell me "just let them grow out of it... this too shall pass... they are only 2!" What say you? Am I expecting too much? The Godly Tomato lady doesn't think so. Thanks for the great resource and the inspiration. Tomorrow I'm off to chase toddlers around a fire pit with burning marshmallows. Should be very relaxing! Until later, Shawna Part two of our dialog tomorrow...
Read More
Transition Time

Kendra,

I have really appreciated reading your blog and have been encouraged. I have three little ones 4.5, 2.5 and 16 mos. I am having challenges with transition time: while I finish lunch clean up is a big one. The toys were put away before lunch, we are getting ready to read before naps, but the little ones are at loose ends while I read to others. Do you have any suggestions? I try to avoid letting everyone drag out toys because the time can be quick- although if things go haywire, it could be 30-40 minutes before i read to the oldest. What can I give someone to do while they wait their turn? I am sure there is an easy solution, I just cannot see it from here in the trenches right now. Thanks for all your helpful suggestions online. Your time in blogging is certainly appreciated. ~Annie McCorkle

Hi Annie-

Good question! From my vantage point, it seems like you're trying to do separate activities with each one, is that right?

With the ages of your young ones, I would say that the best thing you could do is to keep everyone together and everyone with you as much as possible. I am trying to think back to when I had three the ages of yours- what did I do then? Well, most likely the 16-month-old was confined somehow while I was cleaning the kitchen. He would have been in the high chair with blocks or some other diversion, or in the excer-saucer, or jumper. The two-year-old would have been sitting on our little step stool right at my feet, stacking Tupperware or something similar. And the four-year-old would have been given the title of “assistant”, clearing the table and doing other little helpful tasks- throwing away napkins or trash, wiping down the table, etc.

Once the kitchen was done to a reasonable state (I used to save the deep kitchen cleaning until after dinner when Daddy could supervise the kiddos), we would then all move on to reading and napping. Likely the 16-month-old would be ready to just go right down, while the two and four would be with me on the couch reading and cuddling.

As far as an easy solution, I really believe that keeping your little gang together will be the best thing both short term and long. If having them right near you is a daunting idea, take heart. I myself am an introvert who needs daily solitude and the idea of having my little ones at my side for the better part of the day was not initially appealing. The fruit, however, convinced me that the sacrifice was well worth it. Still is. My littles are at my side or the side of an older sibling most of the time, and my older ones get pulled in from time to time when the need arises. I’ll be blogging on that soon.

Hope that’s helpful!

Read More