My question: What do you do with a three-year-old and a one-year-old all day? Is it even worth planning things to do? Sometimes I plan crafts, games, activities and it takes for ever to get it all gathered only to have them interested for five minutes. Is this season just about surviving? Or is there a way to make the REALLY LONG DAYS go by any quicker at all?
I have a lot of help, family that lives close by, a husband that works from home, and a housekeeper once a week. My girls sleep 12 hours a night and take a two hour nap every day. With all that I’m still at a loss with what to do with them! Usually all my bright creative ideas are gone by 8:30 am…and I won’t even bring up the long afternoons. What does a mother do when she’s not homeschooling, when nothing has to be done, and she’s faced with two very energetic children who have the attention span of 5 minutes?
-Jackie
I remember feeling this way. I remember feeling like I was just. killing. time.
Now, however, I don't own my time. The pace is so frenetic out of necessity that my attention span is about the same as a gnat's, I eat on the fly or while feeding the baby or reading aloud, I help one with grammar while I oversee the math of another, and I spend any free time I have planning menus, shopping lists, school projects, and a million other lists that have to be made in order for anything to be done smoothly. If there is a major project to be done (right now I'm painting our office cabinetry), it has to wait until after 8 p.m. and it pushes anything else aside (like exercising). In this season, there is no time to kill.
Because my view is what it is, I look back on life with two little ones and think of a hundred things I wish I'd done:
♥ memorize more Scripture, both myself and with them
♥ organize my recipes into a system that works long term
♥ learn to garden and grow most of our summer produce
♥ keep up-to-date files of our photos
♥ learn to cook ethnic cuisines we like
♥ read the classics I haven't read
♥ sew simple clothing items in sizes they'll wear down the road
♥ can
♥ take nature walks and let them really take it all in
♥ teach them to swim
♥ learn Latin
♥ brush up my Spanish and French
♥ play the piano daily
♥ take courses from The Teaching Company
♥ study theology
♥ make all our Christmas gifts
♥ write letters of encouragement
When I survey the list above, I see that many of these things can be done with little ones:
♥ memorize more Scripture- make index cards for memorizing and charts to track progress. Liberally give stickers for each verse memorized.
♥ learn to garden and grow most of our summer produce- give them their own small patch of the garden (or pots on the patio) and let them toss some sunflower seeds in the dirt. I am always amazed at the fact that the little ones can neglect sunflower seeds all summer long but in the end, their production is better than mine.
♥ learn to cook ethnic cuisines we like- let them help you roll up burritos or pat out the dough for Indian naan.
♥ read the classics I haven't read- aloud to them, preferably while they are captive, such as in a high chair or bathtub. They don't have to understand all the nuances of Jane Austen, but they will be enriched by the language and your voice, and you will have accomplished something.
♥ take nature walks and let them really take it all in- find a lovely park, beach, or foothill setting and pack a picnic. Have no expectations. Just take their little shoes off and let them explore. Bonus: our nature days tend to make the little ones take longer naps.
♥ teach them to swim- my favorite place to take my little ones is to the beach. It's a giant sandbox and a natural babysitter.
♥ learn Latin- you may want them to study Latin in your homeschool. Now is your opportunity to become familiar with its grammar and you can teach them the Latin alphabet while you're at it.
♥ play the piano daily- and let them dance around you in joy!
♥ make all our Christmas gifts- so many ideas out there. Start here.
♥ write letters of encouragement- together you can bless so many people, from shut-ins to missionaries abroad to children in need.
It's late and I know that if my mind were fresher (and less distracted!), I could come up with many more ideas for you. I hope this list has given you ideas of your own. Anyone else have ideas to share?
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It has been quite a year for our family.
In June I found our then seven-week-old baby unresponsive in his Moses basket. We spent the next 11 days in the PICU of our regional Children's Hospital where he fought for his life against a nasty Enterovirus.
In December, our five-year-old jumped out of our 12-passenger van as I was parking around our very long driveway. The van rolled completely over her, but amazingly she only fractured her pelvis.
We've contemplated God's faithfulness a lot. Babies routinely die from the Enterovirus. Our "Mighty Joe" suffered liver failure, kidney failure, and brain damage, but today he is a healthy (chubby!) nine-month-old who is meeting every milestone. Little girls die from being run over by cars much smaller than ours.
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♥
We read Practical Happiness last year and were encouraged to have a place in our home to remember God's faithfulness. I cleared a shelf from the cabinet in the dining room and there now sit mementos of how God has watched over and cared for us. Our wedding invitation, a celebretory note from friends when we bought our first home, a note written for Mighty Joe's crib in the PICU, a necklace with Joe's photo that I wore when he was in the hospital, our daughter's hospital band, and a thank you note from our local ambulence company after we took cookies to them at Christmastime. Even the author of that note praised God for His goodness! How has God been faithful to your family? We've challenged our older children to think back over their lives and see if there is something they can contribute to our faithfulness shelf.
I would love for you to address how to keep up with homeschooling and meals in the midst of pregnancy/all day nausea and exhaustion. Without outsourcing children to the tv all day. And without complaining. I remember you said during one of your pregnancies that your goal was not to complain about being pregnant. How did that work out? As I look back on my previous 3, I can see that I complained a LOT.
~Annamarie
I would love to know how you handle pregnancy tiredness and staying motivated and get things done.
~Cristy
I’m with Annamarie and Cristy–would love advice on staying motivated while pregnant and NOT complaining.
~Michelle
How I would love to be able to tell you girls that I have conquered the sin of complaining, but I can't. Because I haven't. I did purpose to not complain the last two pregnancies, and just keeping that in the forefront of my mind helped. That and taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Pregnancies are a lot different for me now than they were when all of the children were under the age of say, six. Now I have several who can make meals, change diapers, answer the phone, etc. But back in the day when they were all without a lot of, shall we say, brains, I did have to utilize some survival tactics:
1. Small meals of protein. It took me a lot of pregnancies to figure this out, but once I learned that the advice to eat Saltine crackers was the absolute worst advice ever, I could keep the morning sickness at least at the surface instead of allowing it to totally take me under. Hard-boiled eggs sounded horrible, but after eating one, I felt I could manage. Almonds, cheese sticks, turkey slices, peanut butter (straight out of the jar if necessary).
I also drank a lot of water with fresh lemon. And if the nausea was particularly overwhelming, I drank lemonade. The combination of sugar and lemon juice helped tremendously.
2. Alter the priority list. If I did one thing right during pregnancies two through nine, it was this. During the worst bouts of morning sickness, my goals were to feed my family and make sure there was clean laundry. If I accomplished those two things during the day, I counted it a success. In light of that, I was able to see that we accomplished far more, but I didn't feel like such a failure just doing a few things during the day rather than the full plate that I can tackle when I'm not pregnant.
The first and third trimesters are not the time to paint the living room. Ditto to volunteering to teach a co-op class, sign up for swimming lessons, or cater your sister's wedding.
3. Continue to have a plan. Don't throw the schedule entirely out the window. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I made a battle plan: a new and realistic schedule for the first 18 weeks of morning sickness and the last 10 weeks of exhaustion, as many meals in the freezer as I could make, and a mental list of friends and family I could call on to help. My two best friends bailed me out even when I didn't know I needed it.
4. Serve a communal breakfast, or, Do whatever gets you through the worst. When I was pregnant with number three, the older two were four and two years old. As I lay in bed in the morning overwhelmed by nausea and rising only to vomit, I relied upon a Tupperware bowl of Cheerios served to the two little guys on the floor of my bedroom while they watched PBS. It bought me an extra hour in bed and they were as happy with a communal bowl of cereal as they would have been had I served pancakes.
I remember pouring that bowl the night before, getting their water bottles filled and all of it ready to go in my bedroom. It was a self-serve picnic, and now at almost 16 and 14, they aren't any worse for the wear. Do whatever gets you through, mama.
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Expecting our sweet number seven, who turns two in just two weeks!
We've long felt strongly about having our children in the corporate worship service of our church, but recently I read these words from Doug Wilson and was encouraged all over again:
“Many years ago we made the decision to disband our children’s church and nursery, and go to a system of parents training their little ones to worship with us. We have a cry room, and so on, but the intent is to have our children grow up into the worship of God. We have had many reasons to rejoice in that decision, and we don’t regret it at all.
At the same time, the point of this exhortation is to let you parents know that we know how much work you do, and to encourage you in it. It is good work, work that will bear fruit for many years, over many generations. It is sometimes easy to lose sight of the long view, especially if you have five children under the age of seven, and all of them are squirmy. It is easy to lose sight of that when you haven’t heard more than ten minutes of a sermon at a time in three years, and you wonder if you will ever be able to listen to a sermon again.
But the life of Christ is not best represented by listening to a lecture, undistracted by anything. The life of Christ is pulled in many directions, just like you are being, and you are willing for this to happen so that your children may come to worship the Lord. Laying it down for someone else this way is our glory. It is a sacrifice to bring them to the Word, to the psalms, to the wine and to the bread. So don’t measure what you get out of these worship services with carnal balances. The weight of glory you are carrying is far beyond the weight of toddlers in your lap.”
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Dana's daughter and one of ours, enjoying all-ages Sunday School
Oh, could you please talk about how to deal with (and what to do with) a child who takes shortcuts… not wanting to do the work (mostly school, but also other tasks), a child (age 11) who works very hard at not working. Guessing at answers, pretending to read, failing to do corrections because she “did not think you would recheck it”… which I always have.
A child who fills in an answer that says “ten”… ten what?? Ten minutes, ten weeks, ten years? And when asks, replies, “You should have just known.” I am asking for a miracle I know… my child is not the norm (ask Cheryl) as she came to me later and has trouble connecting. Still, her education is in my hands and I am baffled. I have a younger child also, who is watching this and starting to copy some attitudes. He is seven and needs more training time, which is being stolen by bad behaviors in his sibling. How do I fix this?
~Bren
Oh, Bren, I could not help but chuckle at some of the things you shared. I know it's not right, but it's always funnier when it's someone else's child, no? I'm sure you're past seeing any humor in the situation and are just plain frustrated.
I can only share with you what we've done with a similar situation, but it might not be the answer you need. Pray and ask the Lord what He thinks.
We have a child who is very mature, very responsible when it comes to getting tasks done, and a complete help with siblings. I can count on this child in so many ways.
However. This child loses EVERYTHING. Crafts have been started and then lost. Yes, whole projects, GONE. School books can't be found, clothing is missing, etc. Actually, as I write this I can see that we have made some small progress, so I can say things are getting better.
Initially I was just plain frustrated. How does someone lose an entire backpack filled and ready for vacation the day we are going to leave??? It was set out that morning...
Tears have been shed, and the child is also frustrated. That being the case, I have set about helping the child with my own exhibited patience. We've cracked open the Bible and had the child copy verses about responsibility and diligence. We've also set in motion some "reality discipline" tactics: no new crafts can be started until the old ones are found and completed. Lost school books are paid for if not found by a set date.
My kids don't have a steady income (no allowance, etc.), so having to pay for a school book is agony! It's only happened once (amazing how much time they'll spend looking for it when they know they'll have to pay for it), and after the child doled out $25 and the new book arrived, the old one was found. Painful reality.
My advice to you would be to guard yourself from showing any kind of frustration. When I get worked up over a child's behavior, it only makes the situation worse. Then set up, in advance, the rules and the consequences. Sit down at breakfast when everyone is calm and happy and tell that sweet child what she's going to work on that day (diligence? a good attitude?). Tell her that each time you see her exhibiting that good quality, she'll get x (an m-n-m? a checkmark on a chart that leads to some prize when all the boxes are filled?). Or tell her that if she can go 15 minutes without being lazy or complaining, she'll get x. Or if she can do each task completely, without cutting corners, she'll get x.
Baby steps, you see? Reward every. little. accomplishment. At the end of the day, praise her to her dad and brother. Make dinner triumphant, even if she only succeeded once that day.
Don't be afraid to create some negative consequences, too. Much like having to pay for a lost school book, you could set in motion a rule that discourages half-done work. Stick to it. Don't renege. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. If you tell her the consequence of not being diligent is to not be able to participate in some fun activity, then by all means, don't let her participate.
You are on her team. Communicate that as best you can.
~Kendra
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The day can be planned to perfection but the details of life can so easily impinge upon what we thought we would be accomplishing.
On Monday night I drove my husband to his water polo game and on the way there I mentioned to him that I thought I had a bladder infection. After dropping him off at his game, I took the three girls with me to the grocery store. While there, I began to feel worse and worse, wondering how I'd make it back to pick up my husband.
By the time I got there, I could hardly stand up. This was like labor! My good and wise husband took me to the ER and I was diagnosed with a kidney stone.
I have birthed eight children; four of them without pain meds, two at home without any hope of pain meds. This whole kidney stone fiasco is WORSE. I've spent all of Tuesday in bed, feeling absolutely crummy.
I had big plans for the week! Still do, but I have to wait and see what will transpire.
I am thankful for the God of the universe who plans my life and has a greater purpose for my moments, both mundane and exciting, than I will usually ever know. People who do not trust in His sovereign care spend a lifetime questioning the meaning of it all.
I've been thinking a lot about you all. I have help provided by my husband- a housekeeper once a week and a friend who gives me a day each week to grocery shop, bake, do laundry, and whatever else needs doing. We believe whole-heartedly in getting help if possible. I know many of you do not have that option.
In the spirit of giving you some practical help, I'll be spending the rest of the week writing up posts that will hopefully give you a lifeline, particularly if you feel as if you're drowning in housework, paperwork, and homeschooling.
If there is anything you'd like me to address specifically, please leave me a comment.
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