If you came here looking for Part 5 of the Life in the NICU series, I'm sorry. I promise it will be posted next Friday. If you have no idea what the LIfe in the NICU series is, go here to start reading it! It chronicles my exciting, hopefully-never-repeated adventure of giving birth to a 25 week micro-preemie.
But that's not what I'm writing about today.
Yesterday, I was inside the play yard we keep in our living room, sobbing my eyes out with my three year old in my lap, hugging my neck. Just a few minutes before he had been screaming at the top of his lungs, telling me NO NO NO!! About what I can't even remember. This screaming and tantrums had been going on since practically the minute he woke up. I was fighting a cold, was incredibly tired from a restless night's sleep, and just couldn't take it. I was worn out and beaten down. By a three year old.
In order to keep us both safe, I scooped him up and we both sat down in the play yard and I started to cry. When he saw that I was crying, he started hugging me, trying to make me feel better. I hugged him back and sobbed. Those deep, mournful kind of sobs. I was broken and in my head I was crying out to Jesus - I CAN'T DO THIS!
I wish I could tell you that I heard an audible voice from Heaven, accompanied by a dove-like presence, that told me everything would be all right. But I didn't.
I eventually calmed down. My little guy and I rocked for several minutes together on the floor. We were both calmer and we went outside to play with the other kids.
Anyone that follows us on Facebook will have heard me mention the real struggles I have with my three year old. This episode wasn't anything new. And, as usual, I was mentally trying to figure out what in the world I was going to do with this kid. Send him to preschool? Behavioral specialist? Put him on a strict diet? Send my other kids to school so I can give him the attention he needs? All these things raced through my head. The last thing I said was "Lord, I don't know how we can possibly bring more children into this home."
(You may not know this about me, but we are adoptive parents and we are currently preparing for our second adoption. )
Fast forward a day.
This afternoon, my phone rang. It was our adoption agency. The person on the other line said that she had a file in front of her for a precious 2 month old baby that needs a forever family.
And immediately, what I thought just wasn't possible - caring for more children when I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore - became possible. Not because of anything that I could do, but all because of what my Heavenly Father can do through me.
Was I really going to say no to a child that needs a loving forever family simply because I didn't think I could handle it? Adoption is something that God has birthed in the hearts of me and my husband. We know beyond a doubt that this is what He's asking us to do.
After I got of the phone, I looked up into the sky and that's when I heard God speaking in my heart, answering my prayer from the day before. And He answered with a scripture:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:17"
When God asks us to do something, even when it seems absolutely impossible to us, He does not leave us alone to accomplish it in our own power. When we are weak, He is strong.
I don't know what God might be asking you to do. Maybe you stumbled onto our blog, looking for ways to deal with homeschooling older kids with lots of littles around and you have NO IDEA how you're going to do it. We have a few ideas about that! But I also know that if God has asked you to do it, then He will equip you with the tools and resources and energy that you need to do it His way.
Are you wondering if we're bringing home that little baby? For several reasons we had to say no. Now I'm praying for that precious one, that he would know that He is loved by his Creator and that the perfect family would take him home. I'm also praying that I would continue to relinquish my plans over to God. Because His plans are always so much better than mine.