I've had many readers ask to hear the story of our most recent adoption. And I really, really want to share it with you. But, for some reason, I don't feel like I'm at liberty to tell the story yet. It's not that I can't, although privacy is an issue because our little girls have joined our family as foster children with an adoption plan. It's just that I don't feel released by God to share that story yet. I know, it seems kinda vague, but that's all I've got.
But there is something that I wanted to share with you, that I know God has given me the okay to tell:
Sometimes God asks us to do really hard things. It might even be the hardest thing that we've ever had to do in our whole entire lives. And when He asks we have two choices: obey or disobey.
Many of my close friends have asked me over the last 12 months as we worked towards getting our paperwork finalized to be available to adopt, why we were pursuing adoption again. They could see that we were super busy with a family of five children, two of whom have special needs of various types. They could see that I struggled when Jeremy was traveling out of town, which he does on a regular basis. They could see that I was often feeling like I was sinking in everything that my family required of me.
And my only answer to them was: Because God asked us to do it.
I wish I could give you a happy, perky answer covered in glitter, about how my heart was broken for children that need a forever family (which it is) or that I had always yearned for a large family (which I haven't) or that I just love changing 8 dirty diapers a day (which I definitely don't).
We are on this road to adoption because it's what God asked us to do.
There were times during the last 12 months when I felt like I was suffocating from all the things I had happening, when I would be sobbing over my Bible, in the corner of my bedroom, asking God over and over why. Why does He want us to do this? How am I ever going to do it?
And I heard two things from him over and over and, honestly, I really wish he could have sugar-coated it a bit more.
He said: I want you to pursue this adoption and it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done.
He also said, in response to my question of how I was going to do it - It meaning raising a family of 6 or more kids, several with special needs - You can't do it. But I can. I AM enough. And through your family I will make myself known to others.
See? I would have preferred more rainbows and unicorns in that answer.
I was faced with a choice. I could choose to not do what God was asking us to do, which would mean we'd have five kids who all slept through the night most of the time. Then I would walk around with the guilt of knowing that I had disobeyed the calling of God and wonder what might have been. Or I could choose to do this really hard thing that God was setting before us, not even knowing what the hard things would be.
Time after time after time I had to set my weary heart at the altar and tell God that whatever He wanted, I would do it.
I wish I could say that each time it got easier. Or that each time I felt more and more empowered. I didn't. Each time I felt more and more like a warrior going into battle, knowing that the road ahead would be littered with pain and heartache, but knowing that there really is no other option.
Several times throughout the day, when our littlest girls will allow me to snuggle them, I pray. I pray first that they will know that they are loved and treasured by the One that created them. That they will choose to have a relationship with Him one day. And I pray that God will give me wisdom to be their mother and perseverance to run the race He has set before me.
Is God asking you to do a really hard thing? Be strong and courageous.