I had largely lost a sense of wonder.
There was just so much work to be done here, and it made me weary, and it made me yell at everybody, and it finally had me questioning what was necessary and what was put upon myself, by little me.
Before it dawned on dim-witted me that I was perhaps taking on a lot of burdensome junk that God never required, I spent about a decade-and-a-half in a "try harder, do more" mindset, fueled by books and well-meaning Christian leaders, and not-so-well-meaning Christian leaders, and a religion that says you are only ever marked by the good fruit you produce.
What about my humanity? My set-backs? My failures? My sin? My weakness? What about the indisputable and unmatchably glorious fact that I am saved by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone? Shouldn't that be what people see?
Shouldn't we see Jesus?
Yes. We see Jesus. Even when I am weary and too dumb to recognize that I have once again put too many things on my own shoulders, even when I am grasping at stupid, worthless behaviors that I think will make me smell better or look better to you, and especially when I am grumpy and straining and striving for things that don't matter.
I can cleverly disguise those things in a jiffy when the doorbell rings. My pretty smile and light laughter isn't good fruit, it's just a by-product of another run-of-the-mill white-washed tomb.
But I wonder a lot these days. I wonder at the work the Holy Spirit is doing in my heart. I wonder at the grace and mercy pouring out of my older children's mouths. I wonder at the fact that there has been more spiritual growth in my life in the last three years since I finally stopped trying so hard and just let Jesus do His thing.
I wonder, too, at how I want more of His grace, more of His words, more of His compassion, more of His wisdom, more of Him and a lot, lot, lot, lot less of me. That, too, is His work, not mine. When it was my work, my conniving little head was looking for ways to polish it up so you would see.
Oh, the glory of wonder! If I could encourage you in one way today, it would be to lay down your load, sister. Let Jesus do the work! Let His accomplishment be plenty, and learn to live in the overflow of His work, not yours. I bet you'll get your wonder back!